Let me give you the background:
Sunday after church, a buddy of mine and I went out to eat. He ordered dessert and I did not. I went to get us refills and purchase a dessert for myself and when I got to the counter, the woman behind there says, "No worries, have a seat. I'll bring it out to you." She returns with not one, but two FREE desserts. My friend in awe asks, "How did you do that?" My answer after I hemmed and hawwed a bit, was something along the lines of I went to pay and she said she'd bring it out. And then I explained my philosophy on favor. Stick with me folks...
Here's my philosophy, take it how you want to, but it led to the throat-punching amazingness and conviction I felt momentarily myself.
Often, and by often, I mean, all my life (insert The Color Purple Harpo joke here) up until last year, I always heard when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. Did you know that there is a second half of that verse (Proverbs 18:22)? See, Proverbs 18:22 in its entirety reads: He who finds a wife, finds a good thing AND obtains favor from the Lord. (NKJV, emphasis is mine). Adrienne Denise translation kicking in here: a woman's life should ooze and drip the favor of God. What's more amazing, is the highlight reel of the things I've experienced the last six months that were a result of the favor of God. What I loved more was He took the time at that moment to also remind me that this is what it means to be His daughter. So that said, I told my buddy, "So often, the Body of Christ talks about how when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing, but it never talks about how he obtains favor. For him to obtain favor, the woman should be walking in Christ's favor. I feel like I should be walking in the favor of God that will not only benefit me but also benefit my dude. For some, you may be thinking what if we don't believe in God? My thought, most dudes aren't checking for a female that's living a busted life unless he's seeing something to invest in or glimmers of hope OR he's a bit busted himself and she's just less busted himself...again, my thoughts.
Though the more I thought about it, the more I thought about how I'm walking and am I of benefit? When potential suitors see me, what do they see? Is it the God Glow me and my sorority sisters used to talk about?
So here was the throat-punchingly awesome thought-provoking line that dropped in my heart and spirit ...are you ready?
Some women are operating at a high level of ratchetness and a low level of righteousness.
I was blown away. See remember I said, God told me before, "This is what it's like to be my daughter!" After 34 and a half year's, I'd finally given up on self and then I'd began to see it. See, I'm not saying I'm always at my best self because although I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:21), I am still janky and mess up from time-to-time (catch me on I-495- how bout dat); however, the question is, where is my heart and what is the quest it's on? See when marriage was my goal, my idol, my heart was mucky and I didn't have anything to offer any human other than selfishness, hurt and my here today, gone tomorrow trust with God. I am definitely operating differently now because I stopped treating God as my source of pain and realized He's the one cleaning the wounds so that I can be presented properly. The power of maturing is sometimes the triggers can cause a little level of ratchet to arise, but that no longer becomes your normal. See, up until last summer, my levels wavered back and forth like a see-saw: teeter-tottering back and forth like a raft being bounced on rocks in rapids to the right and the left.
Last July, I was reluctantly called to take a journey with the Lord that would cause me to close all my memberships on dating sites, stop dating events, and focus on really honing in on my relationship with God and the identity He's given me. Last February, God answered my prayer and told me the season I was going into prior to the season starting. I was coming out of a season where I was unaware of a lot of things until I rolled up on it. I was walking in such a level of self-doubt that even when He was speaking if it didn't come from certain people, I didn't catch it and things I took from certain people were held to a higher regard than Him. That being said, I knew it was a season of discovering and walking in my identity, a season of warring, and a season of maturity. It all went hand-in-hand. I could war better because I knew who I was and the TRUTH of who I am and I could stand on it firmly. Step one for minimizing the reasons to turn to unrighteous behaviors. Because I had an identity I was adhering to and walking in, I could properly fight.
Now, I have my identity and can war, but maturity is a choice. I had to choose to fight and to believe the truth. I had to choose that even when I wanted to act childishly and blame everything on everyone else, my life wasn't changing for the better. Part of discovering my identity was that I needed to finish some work I started with personality tests. Tests that I started two years ago. I found myself in a situation at work and I was beyond frustrated to a point that I was NOT displaying Christ-like love, but my complaining was oozing out into righteous indignation and complaining. It affected my work to the point that I am still dealing with improper feelings with two co-workers and we were all put in a terrible situation, but afterwards, I saw who I was in the situation and had I completed the work the first time, the awkwardness in our present relationship, could have been avoided. I can't say I want to really test those boundaries by doing that project again, but I'm selfless enough to the point that if I was told by God to, my heart posture wouldn't be compliance, but obedience. Personality tests like Myers-Briggs and Enneagram don't exist cover-up or justify flaws, and I don't use them as such, but I need them to help me see, x,y,x are triggers that tend to push me to react a certain way.
Maturity causes me to say, "If I can't avoid the trigger, when this trigger occurs, let me change my reaction. Maturity says it's not about me, but others. I was sharing with a mentor that earlier this year, somewhere after the first God/Daughter moment, but before the throat punch, the Holy Spirit reminded me:
What I (me personally) do is about my legacy. I needed to mature because I get to benefit from what God is doing but it's not really about me, but those that will come after me.
When I was thinking of the Married At First Casting Call, part of my maturing process was recognizing I was NOT ready to be an instant wife, instant bae, or instantly selfless! I've discovered on this journey with God, as much as I'd longed for marriage, I am not, had not been, was never selfless enough in it's truest forms. I sacrificed and did things, but had the AUDACITY to remind God regularly of all the things I'd given up to follow him (mostly when throwing temper tantrums on how God wasn't doing things my way).
The biggest smile I gained from maturing though is realizing the greatness of my life as a daughter. Father truly knows best. Being on the other side of this sacrifice, I've been able to see all the people connected to my choice to follow. Seeing that in 2019, I never would've imagined any of what I've been blessed to do or see had I been Bruce Almighty'd and gotten everything my way, when I wanted it, how I wanted it, regardless of who it would impact outside of me. Last July, I was walking in a 50-50 split, which could quickly tilt to 70-30 and not in God's favor. I don't want to put levels on where it is now. I am declaring a place of high-level righteous, low-level ratchet though. On July 15 my year ends, but ironically enough, it doesn't end. It puts a colon so the sentence can be joined with another before we put a period. I'm not sure I'm ready for all that marriage brings, but I'm better at being selfless. I'm better at recognizing and taking ownership. I know who I am and like me. I have a journey that I'm finally enjoying. Along the way, there will be more podcasts, more books to write, and blogs to post. Maybe there will be a mister that finds his way alongside me, but my preference is truly God's will over mine. His smile is my smile. I've learned that's a fun place to be.
